RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Along comes another deadly epidemic and a nightingale sneezed in Berkeley Square
Just when you thought that Omicron was in retreat, along comes another deadly epidemic. This time it’s bird flu.
Two million birds have already been culled and poultry farmers are being warned to keep their flocks inside or risk losing them. The disease has been brought to Britain by geese, swans and other wildfowl migrating here from Europe — presumably in rubber dinghies.
According to the UK Health Security Agency, the chances of bird flu infecting humans are pretty remote and there is currently no cause for alarm. But when has that ever stopped them?
Imagine how quickly things could spiral out of control once SAGE, the Government’s scientific advisory group, gets to hear about it. It won’t take long before Boris Johnson is spooked into ordering another Covid-style lockdown…
Welcome to the BBC News At Ten. The Prime Minister has declared a national state of emergency after a pigeon sneezed in Trafalgar Square.
Just when you thought that Omicron was in retreat, along comes another deadly epidemic. This time it’s bird flu (file image of swans)
At a hastily convened press conference in Downing Street, Mr Johnson declared that reluctantly he had no alternative but to cancel Christmas and implement an immediate circuit breaker to stop the spread of avian influenza.
Flanked by the Chief Ornithological Officer, Professor Chris Twitty, he also announced a ban on anyone cooking turkey or goose for their Christmas dinner.
From midnight tonight, it will be a criminal offence to eat eggs in any shape or form — boiled, poached, scrambled or otherwise. Consumption of omelettes will be punishable by six months in jail.
Turkey Twizzlers are being removed from supermarket shelves and fried chicken shops are to be shuttered for the duration.
Police have been told to arrest anyone spotted with a KFC party bucket. Derbyshire Constabulary is sending up drones to spot people munching on an illegal drumstick or nugget while out walking their dog.
Welcome to the BBC News At Ten. The Prime Minister has declared a national state of emergency after a pigeon sneezed in Trafalgar Square.
Manchester Police are raiding takeaway kebab shops and curry houses to hunt for contraband poultry products.
Chicken Tikka Masala has been reclassified as a Class A hard drug. Possession now carries a life sentence.
In London, a crack team of Met officers previously attached to Operation Midland and the elite Jimmy Savile Squad mounted an airborne assault on the home of a retired disc jockey and confiscated a consignment of Scotch Eggs.
Elsewhere, the RSPB’s rapid response unit has been charged with ensuring that all wild birds are fitted with beak coverings and observe social distancing measures by flying a minimum of two metres apart.
Any bird spotted without a mask will be shot on sight.
When the red, red robin comes bobbin’ along, he’s likely to get his head blown off.
The Government has also ordered the wholesale slaughter of parrots, parakeets, canaries and cockatiels. Pigeon racing has been cancelled and homing pigeons must chirp from home until further notice.
The Prime Minister insists the emergency will last no longer than three weeks to ‘squash the sombrero’. But Buckingham Palace said Her Majesty had already graciously agreed to postpone the traditional Swan Upping ceremony on the Thames, scheduled to take place in July, just to be on the safe side.
In London’s Berkeley Square, the Army began work building a new Nightingale Hospital. Nightingales are believed to be especially at risk from bird flu.
Imagine how quickly things could spiral out of control once SAGE, the Government’s scientific advisory group, gets to hear about it. It won’t take long before Boris Johnson is spooked into ordering another Covid-style lockdown…
With the countdown-to- lockdown clock ticking, fighting broke out in city centres across the country as piri-piri chicken enthusiasts attempted to secure a last cheeky Nando’s before the midnight deadline.
In Wales, the Swansea City football mascot Cyril The Swan was taken into police custody for breaking curfew.
In Scotland, Wee Burney, always desperate to distance herself from Westminster, dismissed Boris Johnson’s emergency measures as ‘too little, too late’ and demanded that another independence referendum must be held without delay.
The First Minister announced an immediate ban on cock-a-leekie soup and Famous Grouse whisky. She also threatened to close the border to prevent filthy English game birds polluting the pristine Scottish countryside.
While we’ve been on air, reports have been reaching us about breaches of the new rules.
Professor Neil Legover, the government adviser who has predicted 100 billion birds will die of flu in the next 24 hours, was photographed carrying a caged budgie from his office back to his home in Clapham.
Mind you, this isn’t the first time he’s smuggled a bird across London during lockdown.
We’re also being told that the Prime Minister has in the last hour been rushed to hospital after eating a dodgy Murgh Madras at a staff wine-and-curry party and will have to self-isolate in the No 10 bathroom until New Year’s Day.
And we’re just hearing that a siege is under way in West London. A bio-terrorism unit from Scotland Yard has surrounded a school where a carol concert is being held.
A police spokesman said they had received an anonymous tip-off that the carollers were harbouring: Seven swans-a-swimming, six geese-a-laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree . . .
Armed officers were standing by to storm the building, but have all been sent home after testing positive for the Omicron variant of bird flu.
Merry Christmas.