We all know the importance of fostering close social connections. Friends are great—until they’re not.
Psychologists say they hear often about so-called toxic friendships, which veer away from the health benefits we’re accustomed to and instead take a hammer to emotional and psychological well-being. “A lot of what I see in these dynamics is that one person is acting in good faith, and the other is being manipulative or controlling,” says Brooke Sprowl, a therapist in Santa Monica, Calif. “It really takes a toll on your self-trust, because you’re being told that if you set boundaries, you’re being selfish, or if you’re not giving in to all of their needs, you’re letting them down.” People with toxic friends might also experience self-doubt, she adds, constantly questioning if they’re seeing things the right way, or if they’re missing something. It’s no wonder these relationships can trigger anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues.
With that in mind, we asked experts how to know if your friendship is toxic—and what to do about it.
Recognizing the signs of a toxic friend
Toxic friendships are often one-sided. You might notice you’re always the one initiating conversations, making plans, and generally keeping the friendship alive. You might even start to feel like your friend’s pseudo-therapist. “You’re listening to their concerns and giving them advice, but you’re not getting that same kind of treatment and respect in return,” says Dr. Sarah Quaratella, a psychiatrist in Denver who works with college students often struggling with toxic friendships. “You become a vessel for a friend’s trauma dumping, but they can’t remember your dog’s name.”
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Boundary violations are also common: If you’re not a night person, and you tell your friend that after 8 p.m., you’re going to be on the couch in front of the TV, they shouldn’t keep calling you at 11. “If you have a friend pressuring you or making you feel guilty, or like you need to change yourself to meet their expectations, that’s a red flag,” Quaratella says.
Angela, 43, who used her first name only in order to talk candidly about her relationships, grew up in a small town where high school nights were spent around a bonfire, drinking beer out of kegs. “That set the tone for ‘friendships,’” she says. Throughout her teens and 20s, her friends often encouraged her to drink or party more than she wanted to, leading her to make choices she later regretted. And as she got older, she felt too embarrassed to talk about the things she was passionate about or that they couldn’t relate to, like her business-school classes. “Who we surround ourselves with is so important, because feelings and emotions are contagious,” she says. “And the negative ones will bring you down.”
Like Angela, you might realize that you don’t like who you are when you’re around your so-called friends, adds Jenna Brownfield, a psychologist in Minneapolis. Perhaps you feel like you’re losing parts of yourself that you cherish. “You might feel like it’s hard for you to be compassionate toward your friend, when that’s a characteristic you really value,” she says. “Or feeling less playful or funny, if that’s a way you like to show up in the friendship.” If you check in with yourself after spending time with a friend, you might also find that you feel mentally and emotionally drained.
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Toxic friends are often guilty of emotional hijacking, Brownfield points out. That’s when, intentionally or not, someone does something that escalates emotions rapidly, like yelling or slinging insults. That person will also create lots of pressure: “We have to talk about this now.” They might have a scarcity mindset, too, which Brownfield describes as wanting your friendship to be more important than any other friendships. “That might look like messages of, ‘You can’t have other friends’ or ‘Why did you go to another friend instead of turning to me when you needed help?’” she says. It can end up isolating you from other connections, leaving you focused solely on what’s actually a toxic friendship.
What to do about it
It’s a good idea to give yourself time to figure out how to proceed. Take a step back from the situation and talk to your support system to get some perspective, Quaratella urges. Talk through your long-term expectations: What are your hopes for the friendship? What needs to change, and realistically, will it? You can start to “come up with ways to preserve your integrity and self-respect, while also advocating for yourself,” she says.
Sometimes, there are changes you can personally make that will prove helpful. If you make it a point to be in tune with your emotions and practice emotional-regulation strategies, you might not feel as triggered by your friend’s behaviors, Brownfield says. “You can start to see, is that enough to shift the dynamic between us? Me being able to stay calm when things get heated?” she says.
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Otherwise, it’s time for a direct conversation. The best way to approach it, Brownfield says, is to focus on the pattern or cycle hurting your friendship. “Have that common enemy of like, ‘What is this pattern playing out between us, and how do we conquer it together?’” Improvement is possible, she says—but it won’t happen overnight or with one conversation. It requires time and effort from both people. After you’ve talked, if you notice old behavior flaring up again, you’ll need to call attention to it: “Oh my gosh, there we went again.” If the situation continues to deteriorate—or if your friend isn’t committed to positive change—it may be time to part ways.
How to end a friendship respectfully
Ending a friendship is difficult no matter what, but the way you approach it can make a big difference. Sometimes, it might make sense to simply distance yourself without formally cutting ties. “If it’s like, you’re at different places in your life, you can decide if you want to just have things naturally fade and leave it open, so that if things change, you can always come back to them,” Quaratella says.
But if the friendship clearly needs to end, it’s usually best to have a direct conversation and set firm, cordial boundaries. In that case, you might say, “I’m in a place right now where I need to take a step back from this friendship.” Or: “I’m taking time to myself right now and working through some things. I’ll reach out when I’m feeling more able to participate in our friendship.” If the person has really hurt you, Quaratella suggests adding: “I’m not comfortable with the way this friendship is going right now, so I’m going to stop our communication here.”
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Before having that conversation, keep in mind it can be a good idea to rehearse what you’re going to say with someone you trust. “You can practice what you’re going to say, so you set yourself up in the best position without feeling like, ‘Oh, no, I sent that text when I really wish I didn’t,’” Quaratella says.
When Angela, the woman whose friends pushed her to party, realized those relationships weren’t healthy, she handled the breakups in different ways. Though she communicated directly with some people in her friend group—calling out hurtful behaviors—things naturally shifted with others. Today, she has “wonderful” friends who share many of her interests, like health, spiritual growth, and parenting. “As we evolve and grow, our friendships will evolve and grow. I think it’s so important to know that you never have to feel like you’re trapped in a friendship.”
What to do when a friend ghosts you
Sometimes, it might feel like a friend vanished into thin air. Being ghosted is painful,Quaratella acknowledges, and can make you feel confused and distressed. She suggests first reaching out to a mutual friend to see if they’ve heard from your potential ghoster. “The answer could be yes, and that hurts so much,” she says. “But it can give you context in the sense of whether this is a universal issue—like, ‘This person fell off the grid from our friend group’—or ‘It seems like they’re ghosting just me.’” That can help you determine your next step.
You might find it makes the most sense for you to try to reach your own place of acceptance that the friendship is at least on pause. “You can accept that and be like, ‘I’m going to make the choice to not keep reaching out,’” Quaratella says. “You almost ghost them in return. What I like about that option is it leaves the door open for a rekindling of that friendship.” She’s seen high school best friends, for example, drift apart during college—and then, 10 years later, reconnect. When they look back, they’re glad they didn’t say any harsh final words that might have arrested the reunion.
Depending on the circumstances, however, you might also want to be more direct. For example, you might send a message that says: “I’m really sad that we haven’t been able to talk as much. I miss you,” giving your friend an opportunity to respond, Quaratella suggests. Sometimes, people apologize, explaining that they’ve been busy or are going through a hard time, which helps the person who’s been ghosted realize it’s not personal. Otherwise, knowing you made a final effort can allow you to move on and grieve the friendship.
Whatever you do, remind yourself that “regardless of what that friend did, you are able to have healthy friendships, and you can feel secure with yourself,” Brownfield says. “There’s a difference between ‘I feel disposable’ vs. a deep belief of ‘I am disposable.’” If you’re able to hold onto the knowledge that you’re a valuable friend, you’ll be better able to endure the pain of evolving friendships, she stresses.