“It’s not something you need to be embarrassed about, or even make into a big deal,” Dr. Stern stresses. “That being said, you should only share when you feel comfortable. And if you’re struggling to figure out how to say it, or what to do, this is where you can talk to a professional.”
“The clearer and sooner someone can portray that to a partner, the better, which is true of any condition, physical or mental health. That in and of itself is an act of intimacy,” Dr. Matskevich adds.
If you’re getting serious, try to really solidify that structure and communication.
Once you start getting a bit more committed with a person, and they’re aware of your diagnosis, Dr. Stern says that adding some routine to your romance can keep everyone on the same page—and potentially help to avoid conflict. “That might mean every Saturday morning you do your laundry, then you go grocery shopping or whatever it might be,” she explains. “Find tools you can use together—calendars, alarms—to make two of you accountable for certain tasks.” Booker says that she and her partner (who also has ADHD) have a bunch of lists that help keep them organized and accountable to one another. And again, communication has been key: “We’re mindful of actively listening to each other’s concerns, not interrupting, and not getting defensive,” Booker explains. “We’re clear on our boundaries and expectations.”
Make sure to take care of yourself, too.
As Dr. Stern points out, ADHD is like any other health issue. A person with asthma sometimes uses an inhaler, and someone with high cholesterol might take statins. Similarly, if you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, certain interventions can keep your symptoms at bay—and ensure they don’t meddle with your personal life. Dr. Stern runs a dating and relationships clinic for people with ADHD, and notes that in addition to medication, regular therapy, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT (which helps you reframe your thinking patterns), can help soften the impact your symptoms might have on social interactions or help you feel more in control as you navigate the whole relationships thing.
Worth noting: A lot of stimulants, which are some of the most commonly prescribed treatments for ADHD, are designed to be effective for certain periods (like the work or school day, or when you need to be productive), Dr. Matskevich says. That could leave the end of the day—which tends to be prime time with spouses, partners, or even dates—a little less regulated, she says. “These meds can be really effective in treating ADHD, but there has to be a concession that the treatment is going to taper off in the evening hours.” However, she stresses that having systems in place can help offset this. You can also talk with your doctor, who might recommend a long-acting formulation that extends a little further into the evening or add another dose later in the afternoon.
Remember, it’s not you—your brain is just a little different.
As both Dr. Matskevich and Dr. Stern reiterate, ADHD is a manageable disorder that a lot of other folks deal with. That’s really important, because so many people with the condition live with some level of shame and embarrassment, Dr. Stern says. “Whether or not a person knew they had ADHD as a child, they might have been labeled as lazy or dumb when that wasn’t the case,” Dr. Stern says. Research has shown that people with undiagnosed ADHD in adulthood often struggle with self-esteem issues, stress, and anxiety. “This mentality can be internalized at a very young age,” Dr. Stern notes.
Just remember that, if you’ve had it your entire life, you’ve likely got some special skills that those without it might lack, Dr. Matskevich says. “This person has had to put a lot of time and thought into how to manage their life,” she notes. “And that, innately, is translatable, and often beneficial, to a relationship.”
“ADHD can be kind of a superpower,” Booker says. “When you have processes and treatments in place to manage it, you can lean into the advantages. Learn your symptoms and embrace them for what they are, so you can recognize the healthy and unhealthy patterns that present themselves. Once you can grasp that, you’ll be able to be open with your partner about what you struggle with.”
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