As a fellow people pleaser, I thought one of the most relatable parts of your memoir was your fear of hurting the people you love. For folks who are used to putting others first, what advice do you have for honoring and prioritizing yourself?
Women, particularly women who are mothers, have been conditioned to put everyone else (their spouses, their children, their elderly parents) first. Sometimes that conditioning is so entrenched that we don’t even allow ourselves to think about what we want, let alone contemplate going after those desires. In my memoir, you see me doing everything I can to try to avoid causing others—and myself—pain, and ultimately realizing that there was no way forward without that. I finally made the decision to go after my desires when I realized that the only possible path to happiness for me was leaving my marriage and exploring life on the other side. For anyone worried about the impact on others if they come out or live more fully as themselves in any way, I would say this: In the end, you have one wild and precious life, as poet Mary Oliver so eloquently wrote. Don’t waste it by living a life that isn’t truly your own. The people who matter will embrace you being your truest self, although it may take some a while to get on board. Try to be patient with them. And for those who won’t embrace the true you? They aren’t your people. This is your one wild and precious life. Live it.
What were some of your biggest fears related to coming out? How did you push through the challenging moments (such as your divorce and living alone for the first time) when you wondered if coming out was truly “worth it?”
My biggest fears were less about coming out and more about whether I could start over in my 50s as a single person. I’d been married to my husband since I was 26 and I didn’t know if I had it in me to reinvent myself at this stage of life. People called me brave but I felt terrified. But ultimately, I didn’t give over my agency to fear and doubt. I didn’t let fear stop me from taking a first step and another and another. And when fear and doubt threatened to overcome me, I reached out for help and the universe responded. Friends took me in. Unexpected possibilities opened up. Synchronicities unfolded. All part of a bigger mystery and evidence to me that I was on the right path.
For readers who know or love someone in the process of coming out, what were the most meaningful acts of support you received?
As readers will learn, I experienced a dark night of the soul after I decided to come out and leave my marriage. One morning during a rock bottom moment, I reached out at 5 a.m. to a friend, and her “I will drop everything to help you” response remains one of the greatest gifts of my life. And I’ll never forget the loving responses of my two sons when I came out to them, which assuaged the fears I had of losing them.
How are you embracing queer joy this Pride Month? Any exciting plans to celebrate?
Yes! In addition to book signings at several Pride events, I will be celebrating at the Lancaster Pride Festival, which, as readers of my memoir know, holds a special place in my heart!
If readers take just one thing away from this book, what do you hope would it be?
That it’s never too late for a new beginning. And if you’ll allow me to sneak in a second takeaway, it would be that authenticity is worth the cost.
Thanks so much for taking the time to talk, Suzette!
This interview has been lightly edited and condensed for length and clarity.
Don’t forget to grab your copy of The Only Way Through Is Out below, and stay tuned for more Pride content on SELF this month.
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