After about four years, I switched to vodka. My brain kept moving the goalpost to accommodate how and what I wanted to drink. The more I did that, the more secretive I became of my behavior, especially with my son. I tried to keep him from seeing me as a sloppy drunk, but I wasn’t always successful. I was physically present at his school and sports functions, but not mentally. I was desperate for him to see me as a “normal mom.” But of course, that got harder to do as time went on.
My husband eventually started questioning things. He would notice how drunk I was despite only seeing me with one glass of wine. I started to lie; I’m not a liar by nature, but that’s what alcohol does to you. Then the pandemic happened. I was working from home and didn’t have any real accountability. Suddenly 5 p.m. would come a little earlier. It got bad, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything to anyone.
My husband ended up spearheading an intervention for me that included the rest of my family, none of whom had any idea I had a problem. They wrote me beautiful letters of care and love asking me to get sober. For the first time, a switch flipped. I realized I had a real problem and was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I agreed to go to a local detox center in April 2021.
On my first night there, I called my husband crying, begging him to pick me up. I told him I was nothing like these people. But thank God he said no because I soon realized that I was exactly like everyone else there. We had different drugs of choice, but we all shared the same struggle. I moved on to rehab about two days later.
I’ve now been sober for three years.
Photo credit: Rodger Milbourne
Many people assume someone like me doesn’t have an alcohol use disorder. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. That’s why I started sharing my sobriety journey on TikTok nearly two years ago. It took me a while to work up the courage to start posting, but once I did, I realized how much it helped me feel seen, heard, and validated. Now I get so many messages from people saying they had no idea anyone else was going through the same thing.
My sobriety has been truly life-changing. I am in better physical shape at nearly 43 years old than I was in my 20s: My immune system is incredibly strong; my anxiety, which I used to take medication for, is gone; my skin is no longer dry, flaky, and red; all of my relationships have improved; and I’m currently pursuing a graduate degree, which I never thought was possible. I’m still in therapy, which has evolved from talking about my alcohol use to just life overall. It gives me coping mechanisms to help process old traumas that I can now tie back to the reasons why I drank the way I did. I also meet with a women’s Alcoholics Anonymous group for community and connection. And now that my son is a teenager, we talk about alcohol, why people struggle with it, and what can happen. My goal really is to help him have the emotional intelligence to talk about it because I couldn’t. I want him to have enough self-awareness to say, “I need help.”
My advice? Don’t wait until you have a DUI. Don’t wait until your spouse leaves you or you lose your job. Start questioning your drinking today, particularly if alcohol use disorder runs in your family. Instead of asking yourself, Is my drinking a problem? think, Is alcohol serving my life in a positive way? And stop comparing yourself to others because you never know what’s happening behind closed doors. The reality is that no one out there is saying, “Gee, I wish I would’ve gotten in a few more great drinking years.” Everyone wishes they would’ve quit sooner, and there’s a reason for that. It’s hard, but it’s worth questioning. That, to me, is real self-care.
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