Life isn’t perfect, and there’s plenty to complain about: A job that drives you up the wall. Terrible traffic that makes you 20 minutes late to brunch. A noisy neighbor who keeps you up until 3 a.m. Most of us have our grievances—big and small—and who better to whine to than your closest pals, right?
Venting to the people who know you best is natural and can be healthy, Alisha Simpson-Watt, LCSW, a therapist based in Middletown, Connecticut, and founder of Collaborative ABA Services, tells SELF. A good ol’ rant session can help you process anger or stress, and being vulnerable and leaning on your buddies for emotional support can actually strengthen your friendships.
However, there’s a difference between a person who occasionally vents and someone who finds a problem in almost all situations. Maybe they groan about their messy partner every (!) single (!) day (!), or fill any pause with their latest pet peeve. When most of your interactions revolve around negativity, it’s normal to feel mentally drained, Simpson-Watt says, which can make it hard to truly enjoy your friend’s company. Below, two therapists explain how to deal with a chronic complainer and strike the balance between showing empathy and setting boundaries.
1. Lead by example.
Sometimes I wonder why a friend feels the need to share every single gripe with me. Then I scroll up a few messages into our conversation and realize, Oh, I complain a lot too.
“In small doses, mutual complaining feels like bonding,” Sarah Epstein, LMFT, a couples therapist based in Dallas, tells SELF. (Think about how easy it is to get closer to a work pal after you finally both admit that you can’t stand your other coworker.) Doing this too often, however, can perpetuate a pattern where complaining becomes the norm for your relationship.
So before you call them out for their behavior, take a moment to consider whether you’re inadvertently fueling the negativity. Better yet, make an effort to be more positive, Epstein suggests: Instead of bashing an overrated reality TV series, drop a new show they might enjoy in the chat, or mention how nice their Fourth of July weekend getaway looked on Instagram. This might feel cheesy at first (especially if you, too, are a chronic pessimist). But the idea is that the more you intentionally shift the focus to positivity, the more natural it becomes in conversations going forward.
2. Become a less fun audience during their vent sessions.
The next time your loved one starts complaining, resist the urge to match their energy or send a lengthy voice memo in response. These reactions are just going to signal that you’re fully invested in whatever they’re venting about, which will only encourage them to keep unloading on you.
That’s why Epstein suggests keeping it brief when it comes to acknowledging your pal’s frustration. (“Yeah, that does seriously suck.” “Ugh, I’m sorry you’re dealing with that—I wish I could help.” “I would be pretty pissed too.”) Then, just pause. By intentionally not adding fuel to their fire, you’re making their ranting sprees shorter and less satisfying, Epstein says. They won’t get the intense reaction or emotional investment from you that they were looking for, and as a result, will likely stop leaning on you to validate their complaints.