ASK CAROLINE: He prefers porn to making love to me
If you have a problem, email Caroline at [email protected]. Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally
He prefers porn to making love to me
Q I have not had sex for over 20 years. My husband said that because he had type 2 diabetes he was no longer interested in sex and that I would have to accept the situation. Naively, I went along with this lonely existence. But I craved affection – to give and receive kisses, to hold hands and to feel like a sexual being again. It affected my confidence and I felt brokenhearted. However, during the lockdowns, I discovered that my husband had been paying for porn channels for many years to look at young women. After many angry words, when I asked him why he had hidden this and masturbated every night instead of loving me, he replied that I was not a young woman any more and shouldn’t be interested in sex. He said there were different kinds of love and that was that. I am 71 and I cry every day at the loss of all those lonely years. I have asked him to leave but he hasn’t found anywhere to live. I wish I could meet a man who I could share the good things in life with – love, romance and holidays – in the years that I have left. I feel that I have wasted enough time and am now looking at dating sites, but I’m nervous and don’t know where to start.
A I’m sorry to hear how unhappy your marriage has been. It must have been a devastating discovery that your husband has been watching porn all this time and I am not surprised that you are crying frequently. Your confidence will have been undermined and your husband’s reaction will have left you feeling undesired and unwanted. Sadly, women in your position often feel that they are not enough for their husbands or partners sexually or otherwise, but this is absolutely not the case. Your husband’s use of porn is no reflection on you, and is actually all to do with his awful addiction.
I would strongly urge you to seek counselling to come to terms with this loss, so please get in touch with bacp.co.uk or relate.org.uk. The crying could indicate depression, so also see your GP. With the right support, hopefully you will find it easier to make him leave. It is terrible for you to have to live with him still. I am really glad that you are thinking about dating, because you absolutely deserve to find a man who can love you as you deserve to be loved. I’m not surprised you are nervous and it is very important to stay safe when dating and not fall for scams – some people pretend to look for love when actually they want your money – so before you sign up, search for ‘dating in later life’ on the Age UK website or call their advice line on 0800 055 6112 to guide you through the process. Some dating sites for seniors are silversingles.co.uk, sagadating.co.uk and eharmony.co.uk. If you can afford it, there are also matchmaking agencies such as avenuesdating.co.uk or drawingdownthemoon.co.uk
How can I make a new start in life?
Q Last January, I promised myself that I would get out of my dead-end job and my dead-end relationship by the end of the year. But here I am, still stuck in both. I have been in the same job for ten years. I don’t hate it and it pays well, but it’s become routine and there aren’t many chances for promotion. As for my partner, we’ve been together for seven years but he says he never wants to marry again as his first divorce was so expensive. To be honest, I’m not sure I want to marry again either. He is a good man but, like my job, he can be a bit dull. My kids are grown up so I feel that I should be off having adventures. Why can’t I find the courage to leave either one?
A It’s tempting to suggest that you make some kind of grand gesture – team up with your best friend, travel across America in an open-top car and give yourself up to whatever adventure comes your way. But real life is not quite as dramatic. So to look at your situation, yes, I believe fear is holding you back, perhaps because of past difficulties – but I wonder if each situation is keeping you trapped in the other. Because both feel suffocating it is difficult to leave either. It doesn’t actually sound as if you or your partner are terribly committed to each other. Marriage is not just a financial transaction and maybe your partner senses your ambivalence. Seek counselling to address whether this is the right relationship for you, then, if you decide to move on, it might also give you the impetus to look for a more fulfilling job
Source: | This article originally belongs to Dailymail.co.uk